It’s time. It’s time I put the realities of living with an ultra runner to the universe.
I’m a survivor. Well, I’m surviving at least.
My dad has his Comrades green number (that means he finished 10 comrades). Amazing. So I’ve had all sorts of crazy in my life since I was about 7. And then I married one of them. But you know what? I flippen love it. I’ll get to the soppy stuff another time though. 😍
A few basics. Will elaborate on future posts.
1) Runners
Like actually, maybe, probably, definitely not all right in their heads. These guys don’t see life like us normalites do.
Oh look it’s 4am and snowing outside. Must. Go. Run.
(See picture as proof, taken when we lived in the UK)
The only time I can remember my husband ‘choosing’ not to run was a weekend at Thanda Game Reserve. And only because of the cheetahs. The other animals I’m certain he debated the possibility of outrunning.
Never ever question the running schedule. This includes pointing out weather conditions. Dodgy areas etc etc. Tornados in Hillbrow, for example, would be no deterrent. Most often the runner’s response will be ‘I need to HTFU’.
2) They eat. A lot. They get hangry. Often. When in doubt, throw food at them. Jelly babies, Marie biscuits, pizza and 5kgs of pasta are ‘carbo-loading’ must haves.
3) As a result of point 2: They poo. A lot. I’m sorry to go here but it needs be addressed. Seriously. If you can build an outhouse, do it. Or at least add it to your short, medium and long term goals. Our Toilet Paper Consumption (TPC) rate is alarmingly high. Air fresheners-useless.
Oil burners for the win, or candles.
Or an outhouse.
4) Garmins
(Or other running watches). Yuss they love these things hey. Start saving. And don’t get a fright when that little wrist-idiot vibrates at 2am because the runner guy ‘hasn’t been active enough’. Really? I’ll show you not active enough. Invest in extra USB adapters and cables-a runner faced with potentially being unable to charge his holy grail will result in panic and an almost instant inability to run.
5) Almost all holidays will revolve around races. Hence our recent Cape Town trip (2 oceans). Dubai is looking good in the near future. Try book your holiday so that race day is day 2. That way registration can be day 1 including all the nerves and moodiness that’s inevitable. Once race is done holidays are a lot more enjoyable!
6) Race expos.
Yoh. Hundreds if not thousands of runners all under 1 roof. Yoh.
Take note:
-The running species will almost all be wearing running shoes with chips on the laces. (Not chips you eat, they’re little timing devices for races and are generally applied/attached weeks before said race ‘in case he forgets’.
-Most will buy at least 4 GU’s (energy gels) regardless of how many they need.
-Prices of branded attire at the expo will be at least double that in shops, but the queues will be immensely long because what runner doesn’t need another running shirt yeah? 😭
We are cheapskates so if you’re like us, look for the ‘good cause/fundraising’ stands. You’ll get stuff at lakka prices. We now sport a race-branded coffee mug shelf👍
7) Pre-race nerves.
Fml.
Ultimate test of any relationship can definitely be put to your ability to make it through the days/weeks/months leading up to a race. The extent of aforementioned nerves is directly proportional to the importance / size of the race which ultimately depends on race-distance. My self-formulated equation goes something like this
(Race distance x days until race)
/goal time
= bottles of wine you normally drink in a week to the power of 2.
8) Phantom illness
Still on the pre-race topic. Be aware of the ever-looming phantom bugs. These little critters cause anything from ‘pneumonia’ to ‘definite fractures’ and this common phenomenon is better known in the running fraternity as Taper Madness. It’s exhausting.
Runner guys will become instant medical professionals. Stock up on placebos. And more wine.
9) Real injuries/illness.
These are less serious than the phantom kind. Most often you’ll hear ‘I’ll run through it’. Rest days are only to be suggested if runner guy is unconscious or if you can actually see bone/blood.
Real injuries/illness/man flu (yes it’s a thing) are marriage testers. So the key is to avoid them. (Illnesses, not marriages 😂)
Some tips:
-an excellent multivitamin
-proper supplements for training and recovery. Shakes included.
-regular sports massages
-legs are hotspots and obviously rather vital to runners. I’ll often give them a rub (yes, I know. Quite the catch).
Arnica oil is amazing (stock up at comrades expo) as are elbows. You can pretty much ask runner guy for anything with your elbow half way up his glute.
Ok so phantom ailments exist and real ones don’t.. Got it.